Sabbatical
Between the spaces of rest, celebration, and grief.
Between the spaces of the metaverse and my actual life, there has been a battle. I have been in warfare with stress, and my body has had it. If you read my post, A New Beginning, you have some context. If not, check it out below.
Every November for the last few years, I go on sabbatical from ministry. I take a much-needed break from my duties as Founder/Lead Pastor of Sequoia Sisters Ministries. I began my sabbatical without my own place and, early on, fell into the trappings of not truly resting. I transferred the busyness of the ministry to tacking on personal things that were piling on stress. It’s as if this clock to figuring it all out by 11/30 started, and I was racing against it.
How can I get it all done? See a specialist, attend my friend’s mother’s memorial service, figure out my move-out plan, plan something for my birthday, and what I will do for work/income, just to name a few.
A government shutdown and flights getting cancelled left and right just days before my appointment with the specialist began to gnaw at me. I had this guttural feeling that if I got on the plane to the Midwest, my flight back would get cancelled. For some, this would be a no-brainer decision. For me, I wrestled with disappointing a friend and not being there when I said I would. I struggled with not being able to show during one of the hardest moments of her life. Yet the whisper of God was clear. You are not a savior. You can’t be everywhere and take care of everything.
So I made the hard choice and didn’t get on that plane. I kept telling myself, “Franceli, your health is the priority right now.” Now, when I checked my flights (I had a connection), both flights were on time and made it to both destinations, but the day before my appointment, which is when I was set to fly back, the flight got cancelled. I felt like God was looking it me like:
Although sometimes it can be difficult to know if you are hearing God or its just your own inner battle. God for sure is in the business of ensuring we are in the position to give/minister for our overflow. When God’s answer is NO, accepting his answer is part of the battle we must lose. Give up your way, your idea. I don’t know why I wasn’t meant to be there, but peace that surpasses understanding is surrendering results. This was a pivotal moment in my sabbatical, and rest was no longer an idea but a mandate from God.
I mean it’s always been a mandate, but clearly, I was doing it my own way and not his way.
So for the rest month here’s what I did.
I found an acupuncture school that has a community clinic and treated myself to a session for the very first time.
I went to a matinee movie on a Wednesday to see Back to the Future on the big screen for the first time.
I got a facial
I check myself into a hotel for a night on the eve of my birthday to be alone and come into my new year with a different pace.
Told my bestie and fiancé I had no bandwidth to plan anything for my birthday- I was checked out from wrangling people, schedules and figuring out a way to create space for people to show up for me. So they curated the perfect evening to celebrate just us where all I had to do was show up.
November 25th marked 1 year since my former Pastor died on her birthday at the tender age of 41, and I didn’t post about it, I let the grief wash over me at church about all the things I felt I lost over this past year, and just wept. This year God took me inwards in ways I had never done before, and although there have been several storms in my life this year, there is so much to be grateful for! It takes courage to be quiet when you’ve been loud all your life. It takes courage to be still when you’ve been moving and hustling and in survival mode all your life.
So I don’t know what this last year of this decade will bring, but I am remaining hopeful and grateful that it is all working out for my good!